Mike Gordon

June 28, 1999


Donald and Chutney Breathalyzer were indusrial pioneers. For starters, Donald has several patents to his credit: The cop hat, bulletproof vests, the multi-zone siren. Hell, he got the idea for the bulletproof vest when Breathalyzer’s own brother, who was a cop, told the story of pulling over a highway violator.


“I didn’t know if he had a gun. I was nervous when I made him exit the vehicle. I checked his drunkenness by making him walk a straight line – an archaic, inaccurate test, by the way – and when he stumbled I thought I saw him reach for a gun.”


Donald Breathalyzer imagined his brother’s story vividly and contributed to society by inventing the bulletproof vest. At the Society of American Inventors Ball, Donald had one too many cocktails and wondered whether he was sober enough to drive, and it was too dark to try the walking-in-a-straight-line test. It was that same night that he conceived an idea for those lights that you wear on your head. That way he could extend his hands far from his sides and walk a straight line in the night.


Of course Chutney’s maiden name was Recess, and you all know Chutney Recess invented the idea that for one hour each day children at schools should study science.