December 1, 2002
He heard a cry, “Aaaaaahhh,” so he ran upstairs. But no one was there. Frazzled, he sat in the dark on the edge of his bed. “Oh shit, I left the laundry in the machine,” thought Ted. He started to walk toward the machine and then, “Aaaaaahhh.” He jumped nearly half an inch. By he, I mean Ted. “Oh God! Oh God.” There was definitely someone in the kitchen. He walked toward the kitchen and remembered that he had left dishes in the dishwasher. There was no one in the kitchen, so he walked toward the garage, where there definitely was someone. He quickly opened the door, and suddenly saw what he hated to have to see: he had left the groceries in the car. “Oh shit!” he thought, “the groceries. There’s milk in there.” He went to grab the groceries and started bringing them in, then, “Aaaaaahhh.” And finally he figured out where all these noises were coming from: the bathroom. Tiptoically, he edged toward the latrine. There was a funky smell. “Oh shit,” remembered Ted, “I forgot to flush.” Oh shit, indeed. And what’s more, there was piss in the shower. “Oh shit, I forgot to let that drain out.” He went to get a Lysol spray and heard: “Aaaaaahhh.” It was definitely coming from the kitchen sink. The phone rang, he lifted it and: “Aaaaaahhh.” There was still vomit on the phone. “Aaaaaahhh.” Bird bunk was still on the windows. “Aaaaaahhh.” He realized that a big mildew monster had formed and … then he realized that that couldn’t have happened. “Aaaaaahhh.” Crap. “Aaaaaahhh.” Blood. “Aaaaaahhh.” Laundry. “Aaaaaahhh.” Lard. “Aaaaaahhh.” Trash.