Mike Gordon

October 28, 2012

Telephone Outgoing Message

Hello, you’ve reached – beep – Mike. If you have a touch-tone phone, press 3 now. If you have a rotary phone but not caller-id, press 4. If you have call-waiting and no-answer-redial, but not call forwarding or call-waiting-id, press 1. This call may be monitered or recorded for quality control and assurance purposes. If at any time you want to return to the beginning of this message, press * 9 #. To hear the remainder of this message in Spanish, and then replay the beginning in English, press 6-0-1. To bar the rest of this message from being listened to by those older than 18, press 6-1-8. You will now be making up a 4-digit PIN code which will aid in up-coming menu selections. Press the 4-digit PIN now. It should include letters and numbers, but not both. If you stole a padlock from a hardware store at any point in your life, press 3-3. If you answered yes to questions 6, 11, or 19, press 2, 11, or 13 – now the fun stuff. To record your name into our caller-sensitive-computing-service, press the first three letters of your last name followed by the last three letters of your first name. Use 7 for Z or X, 8 for I or N, and 2 for W. We’d like you to rate how we’re doing. For “quite well,” press 9-#-0; for “…doing great…” press 8-*-*, When you’re done leaving a message, you can delete, rerecord, forward, append, truncate, label, or edit your message by pressing 70, 41, 8-*, 39, 78, 92, or 60. You will have exactly 20 seconds to record, and after 15 seconds, you’ll receive warning beeps every 1 and a half seconds until 25 seconds is reached, including the 5 second grace period. If at any time while recording, you would like to simultaneously listen to the beginning of what you will have said, press 8-0. Even while speaking, you can track your message and find out whether it’s been retrieved by pressing 8-0-*, followed by the # key and accessing our website. If call-waiting comes in during your message, the other caller’s voice will become active instead. If you then put yourself on hold and redial the number on another line, your voice will be conferenced with the call-waiter’s. If the message capacity has been reached, you’ll hear a series of six tones and then one deafening screach. Our computer has been recording the sound of your breathing for the last minute, and this information has already allowed us to determine who you are, and if you hang up without leaving a message, the computer will dial your number at 4 random times and emit a fatally deafening tone. There may be a delay as long as two hundred minutes before you can begin recording – your call is important to us; please stay on the line. If you’re accidentally disconnected, our computer will call you back, but in order to pay for the call-back, we’ll need to get some info now, starting with your social security number, your driver’s license and plate, passport number, bank-card PIN number, average yearly income, and what you would generally pay for a prostitute. Your privacy is our biggest concern, which is why we strongly recommend downloading our encryption software before beginning to speak. To find out about this and other exciting new offers before recording your message, say, “later” now. We realize there is a lot of information here, and for your benefit we will repeat this entire message now.