Texts - Mike Gordon

Texts

April 9, 2006

Dean Coyote

Dean Coyote sat down in his therapists office. Therapist Tazzle was ultra calm. He seldom flinched. Coyote was goose-like and rambunctious, like a tense eel. The two commenced. “Tazzle, I’m frazzled,” exclaimed Coyote. “I just bought a coy-dog and…

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April 6, 2006

Dandruff

1979, recalls Grafton Healy, was one of the busiest years for dandruff shampoo commercials. It’s also the year that his son, Tuner, said, “Dad I think our economy is based on waste; I mean take all these dandruff shampoo commercials,…

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December 1, 2002

House Noise

He heard a cry, “Aaaaaahhh,” so he ran upstairs. But no one was there. Frazzled, he sat in the dark on the edge of his bed. “Oh shit, I left the laundry in the machine,” thought Ted. He started to…

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May 10, 2000

Ring Ring Ring

The spotless black telephone rang. Mildly startled from her day dream, Margaret Pistachio swiveled from the window to the phone and uplifted the receiver. It was not a call for her, but for Darla Pistachio, the other master class secretary,…

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June 28, 1999

Breathalyzer

Donald and Chutney Breathalyzer were indusrial pioneers. For starters, Donald has several patents to his credit: The cop hat, bulletproof vests, the multi-zone siren. Hell, he got the idea for the bulletproof vest when Breathalyzer’s own brother, who was a…

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October 21, 1989

Phish Pheature Of The Month

This originally appeared in the October 1989 issue of the Phish Newsletter The beak-headed doctor cradled a dislodged pile of medical what-not between his forearm and bosom as he scurried surreptitiously through the ovular corridor. Looking left and thus right, the…

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July 28, 1989

Doctor

The three ugliest doctor’s in the world boarded a helicopter. As the vehicle excapded into the air, one of the doctors initiated what so many of us would call “bobbing for apples.” “What does this deem you?” ask Doctor Lavistink,…

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