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September 18, 2015

• Aristotle separated mandatory poetry from fanzine prose
• Now swirling hair under the back skull is hipster approved
• In five decades of cereal box prizes, nothing tops ‘52
• There are no ground up dice in “Comet”
• Billiards and Pool used to mean different stuff, neither one involving a table or balls
• Power drills in the UK go backwards, if only because of backwards power
• Gravitation from satellites orbiting will soon make the “real” equator run vertically, pole to pole
• Swirling a mohawk just got hipster approved
• Cavemen had apps too, but they were sand and stone ones
• One NWA number was a bubblegum hit in the Fall of ‘70


June 6, 2014

• Horse travel was invented in 1802
• Towels have a Pyle direction like rugs but it’s swirled
• Progressive lenses actually see inward on the left side
• Mucus is sour
• Fiddlehead ferns spiral both ways
• Wing nuts were invented by an Ethiopian
• Fallopian was discovered in the Philippines
• Indie pop was invented in the Czech Republic in 1676
• 2011’s SAT test questions had a pink floyd code embedded
• In Leonardo DaVinci’s  “Tom Girl Retrospectus” he exactly described websites, including URLs and favicons, over 500 years in advance

 


September 12, 2013

• Screen protectors on phones cause “phonecia”

• You can solve a jigsaw puzzle 130% as fast by covering your left eye (no brain crosstalk!!)

• In 2012, no American cats were named “Fissure”

• The original “Tarzan” and “Jane” were actually played by each other’s actors

• Concrete and cement are not only different, but molecularly opposite

• It is proven a carpenter app can slow a carpenter down to a near standstill

• Stink is caused by a misunderstanding within your nose follicles

• Bullet points were invented by a real Wild West gunwoman

• Red-eye reduction is never needed as long as the subject squirts, ironically, a red dye in there first. Really!

• There are only two cereals still on the shelf since the 40s: Grape Nuts and Coco Berries – literally, still there

 

 


August 8, 2013

1) PEANUT GRIGIO
Ingredients:
Eggs 7
Cumin 1lb.

 

This is a chance to get wine into a Thai sauce. Don’t use table wine unless it’s Proctor and Gamble. Use couch wine, or maybe even ottoman wine, like Hasbro. Hasbro now has a sulfide free red wine made from grapes that were needle punctured. Yay that shit. Okay, get one (1) lb. of Thai food from a mediocre to lower-great restaurant. Wash the marinade off they might have “tried.” I think you’re gonna wanna cook the peanuts first. Probably, I’d say, get ‘em in the microwave for half an hour on 350. Rotate. A little more. Now smash em up and mix em with the Hasbro. Voila! That’s how the French say, “Check this shit out.” Oh.. oops… also add tumeric, Himallayan C-section salt, and a dash of brewer’s yeast. Ok, you’re off! Remember when serving this one, that if a coupla guys are on one side of the table, and, let’s say, a guy and a dame on the other side, that the dame gets served first, but you’re still gonna wanna symetrify the portions.

 

1) CORN ON THE COBWEB
Ingredients:
Eggs 7
Cumin 1lb.

 

Okay, it seems gross, but everyone in “culinary” knows that spider webs are so rich in basic vitamins and amino acids (not so in nitrates – ha ha ha ha ha ha). Even bugs ‘emselves are disgustingly beneficial to our systems, so this is a way to get that bug energy in the system without gettin’ weird. Okay grab the cobs, but this time we’re taking the corn off and we’re dealing with the “host dowell” (as beknownst to besaid). You’re gonna have to navigate that cob in a way that aint gonna break the web, so my good man, twist delicately and twist evenly and get that web on there as a sheath. Even is the key word here. You gotta line up the rows with the rows. Know I’m sayin’? Then comes in your balsamic reduction, and right out it goes, out the back patio! We don’t need it. Okay, so all you would like to take your umagoshi plum and smear on the corn and web (you can use em without webs instead of butter on a snowy day) but don’t break or malallign the web. This isn’t gonna heat well in the microwave, so in the summer you can put it on a back portch or roof tile (read: shingle) and let it singe. I mean we want it to fry out there, with directy yuminess right from the sun. Serve these with Splenda packets all around the host dowell and take the compliments from your guests, and take em well.

 

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March 18, 2013

1. There are over 450 ways to say “the animal kingdom” in English

2. Clouds never reappear, they just appear

3. The Soviet Union is about to have a reunion party

4. It’s likely the table of elements will double, if not triple

5. Monopoly™ was a sport before it was a game

6. The sugar in candy bars is “the good kind”

7. There are less than forty fonts that can be retrofitted into typewriters

8. We now have a robotic vehicle on Mars. The intention is eventually to put it up on Ebay.

9. The guy who started “Craig’s List” plays percussion in M. Gordon’s band

10. Hot sauce never gets fizzy, but at zero gravity it gets clammy

11. There are more CDs released each moment than there are births
12.  Cars omit a gas similar to the mist that surrounds “raisins”
13. Peter Cottontail was read by more people standing up than sitting

14. In Sweden, 100 infrared sensors cost less than four of the same
15. A child who plays with marbles is forty times as likely to woodwork
16. There are more fonts in Chinese than there are species of invertebrae
17. While sound engineers can discern a one decibel change, no birds can

18. Eighty times out of a hundred someone using crayons will eat a tip
19. The U.S. telegraph system closed because of embezzlement
20. The loudest sound known to woman is the closing of outer space

 


1) FASTMONSTER TWISTEES
Ingredients:
Eggs 7
Cumin 1lb.

 

Take the baking soda and let it soak over night (not in water!!!). The end result will be a little “choppy”. One of the eggs can be brought near; don’t crack it. Dust in a little of that cumin. Bake on 85 for over an hour. Rotate, as if a microwave, bake a little longer. Now broil a while. Dust with confectioner’s sugar and nutritional yeast. Serve with a petty smile.

 

2) VANILLA COCKTAIL
Ingredients:
Eggs 7
Cumin 1lb. 

 

It probably hurts to freeze a glass overnight. Whisk in a little vanilla to what you already started. Shake so long. Worcestorshire (sp) is now vegan. Not. Nor Guinness™; whisk those in for the meat-eater. You’re going to have to do bring this to the paint part of a hardware store and have them mix it in one of those paint-can shakers. Serve with flour around the rim.

 

3) HUMAN AND CUMIN
Ingredients:
Eggs 7
Cumin 1lb. 

 

You’ll need a pound of mock eel. Try leaving some lettuce to wilt. Okay good. Now we want a marinade. Every cookbook has one – tear one from each one and mince the page that had the marinade and cram all that “paper mulch” into some ac outlets – salt will help the conductivity. If it doesn’t start to brown, then repeat steps two through seven. This can serve a family of nine.

 

4) PINEAPPLE SURPRISE
Ingredients:
Eggs 7
Cumin 1lb. 

 

Take cool whip and make a 1 foot diameter ball. Shoot bottle rockets into the center. Keep shooting them until you really hit the center. Parentheses it’s the extra gunpowder from the missed attempts that gives the extra flavor here. Bring this mixture to a car wash. We are only interested in the final galvanizing wax. Let the ball melt in the wax and scrape up the sediment. This is your ointment , to be used when this recipe is continued later.

 


1978
1956
1320
January
2009
1964
1951
1901
April
July
1981

 


a) In a restaurant, person N stands up and yells, “These brussels sprouts are so fuckin’ tender,” and person Y (maybe you) stands up and yells abrasively loud, “I’m so glad someone is willing to voice a positive opinion.”

 

b) This is mean. Person N sideswipes person Y’s car, passing from opposite directions. Both people (safely!) are slowing their cars so that by the time of the scrape, or right after, they’re able to gracefully ease their doors open, grabbing huge bags of ketchup they’ve brought along, and smear themselves with ketchup while easing out the doors and lying down on the pavement between the stopped cars. If anyone comes up, Person Y says, “Please check the trunk of my car,” and when Unsuspecting checks that trunk, there is a third person lying in pools of ketchup.

 

c) Person N has a plant sprayer of lavender mist and sprays at Unsuspecting at a gymnasium. Unsuspecting, perhaps working out, begs a little mercy, and Person N says, “Oh, come on, at least I’m not spraying vinegar on you.” Unsuspecting might ask who the hell would spray vinegar, and Person N says, “Dunno,” and sprays vinegar from another hidden bottle (rear belt loops work great for hooking!).

 

d) People N and Y act out an old Men At Work video.

 

e) Person N goes to the library and grabs a book to check out. Person Y jumps behind the counter pretending to be the librarian and says, “You’re gonna need a card.” Person N says, “if this were a Portlandia episode it would be very funny.” Person Y says, “It isn’t”

 

f) Person N keeps ramming into people, accidentally, saying “I’ll get it,” and that can apply to Unsuspecting taking out a tissue or reaching for a doorknob. You get the gist. Person Y is always on hand as an innocent bystander who says, “You don’t see that kind of chivalry anymore.”

 

g) Person N goes up to Unsuspecting in a mall and says, “Did you go to Mettlemont High?”. Person Y is walking by and says, “I just googled that and it’s fake.”

 

h) Person N walks up to groups of six on a sidewalk, saying, “Can you step to the right? This is part of my reality show. See – there’s our videographer, Seth.” Person Y is holding up a fake video camera, peering into it down yonder. Person N says, “No, not him; that’s just someone doing air video, my real video guy must have ducked into a shop for some chew.”

 

i) This is great for an art fair. Person N has a bag of lightbulbs, and every once in a while that same Person puts one on the table and smashes it with a hammer. Person Y walks by and says, “You just made me cry. I love that kind of art.”

 

j) Person N stands somewhere like baggage claim coughing loud into the air without covering his mouth – not with an arm, not with a hand – for at least two minutes. Person Y stands up and says really loud, “Excuse me people! That yucky outburst unsterilizes terribly your otherwise uncontaminated, reusable, pollution free oxygen – contamination kills every time, singlehandedly.” And then Person N yells loudly, “Excuse me people! Do not listen to that other person! He is an insurgent and uses subliminal coercion, hiding messages in the first letters of words he’s hollerin'”

 


MIKE GORDON HOTLINE

212.330.9092

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